Who I'll Never Be.

I wish I had some way to tell you how happy I finally am. How happy I am realizing that people love me for me, how much people love me for myself. I wish I could tell you how difficult it is not to care about you, how I have to sit here and concentrate not to call you, to text you, to contact you in anyway. I wish we could talk, but I’m glad that we don’t. I’m glad I finally can accept that we can’t talk, trying has caused me to lose too much sleep. I’m heartbroken about how quickly you got over me. I’m sad that I have to do everything in my power not to be sweet to girls anymore. I’m sad that I might hurt some other girl along the way, and that she will never know that I have a big heart that I’m trying to keep behind closed doors because I’m scared to let it out, scared to hurt. I’m proud of how well I’m doing now. I’m sad you’ll never see how I’ve grown. I’m sad all of our pictures are face down in my room. I’m upset that I’m not angry at you, that I’m not bitter. I don’t understand how or why I still want you to be happy. I’m glad that I can finally sleep at night. I’m glad that I don’t want a woman anymore, that I can enjoy my friends and do whatever I want, as long as Dana and Ana let me. When I find a girl, when I feel safe enough to open my heart back up, I’m going to find someone who looks like you. She’s going to be nicer to me, support me and my friendships that you made me forget about. She is going to make me happy, and me her. She will make me forget everything about you. But for now, I’m just waiting on a friend.